


bloom

by FrecklesOfTheSeasons



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Crying, Hanahaki AU, Hanahaki Disease, Lee Felix needs a hug, Lee Felix-centric, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Sad Lee Felix, Unrequited Love, alternative universe, changbin is not a bad person, felix loves changbin with his whole heart, hyunjin is a beautiful pure child who deserves love, hyunlix is the most underrated friendship y'all don't understand, i cried while writing this ngl, platonic hyunlix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 21:46:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16920978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrecklesOfTheSeasons/pseuds/FrecklesOfTheSeasons
Summary: felix has always liked chrysanthemums. he likes them much less when they're coming up his throat. he's never been hung up much on the meanings of flowers. now, every flower has a meaning to him. but chrysanthemums, they're different. they're yellow. they're sad. and just like theirs, felix's love is unrequited.orfelix has flowers in his lungs where there should be air, but he'll be damned before he ever gives up loving seo changbin.





	bloom

it's 2 a.m., and felix lee is on the floor of the dormitory bathroom on his knees. his hands grip at the white porcelain of the toilet bowl, and he coughs. he knows better now, knows how to hide. when the thoughts become too strong and he feels the tickle at the back of his throat, he shuts himself away from the public and coughs quietly under his breath, so his bandmates don't worry. because felix is dying. because somewhere along the way, butterflies in his stomach turned to flowers in his lungs, and petals in his throat, and a lonely heart.

 

felix has always liked chrysanthemums. he likes them much less when they're coming up his throat. he's never been hung up much on the meanings of flowers. now, every flower has a meaning to him. but chrysanthemums, they're different. they're yellow. they're sad. and just like theirs, felix's love is unrequited.

 

he doesn't remember when he started to like changbin so much. it might have been when he held felix as they were saying goodbye, or the kiss at the han river, or maybe, maybe it was when he said hello. felix doesn't remember, but he knows it was a mistake. a mistake he'll have to live with. until he doesn't. inevitably, lee felix is going to die.

 

so he sits there, on the floor, coughing over the toilet until the petals finally surface, until he finally gets that bitter taste out of his mouth. he stays where he's been sitting for the past ten minutes and closes his eyes, sucking in a deep breath and thanking god when he doesn't feel the flowers fluttering in his chest. it's over, for tonight.

 

***

 

when he awakes to his alarm, his throat feels raw and he can taste iron in the back of his mouth. someone lies haphazardly on top of him, and he knows exactly who it is. he knows because there's a faint scent of smoke and sandalwood, he knows because of the clinging limbs and small frame. he knows because of the tickle at the back of his throat.

 

felix makes a decision. he shoves changbin to the side and rolls over, mumbling, pretending he's still asleep. he hears changbin grunt and feels him reach out to him again and swallows. he squeezes his eyes shut tighter, and hopes he'll fall asleep again. if he sleeps, he won't have to deal with the blooms. he's broken out of his hopeful thoughts by the door creaking open.

 

“RISE AND SHINE FE- OH.” it's jisung's voice, and it breaks off into a giggle at the end. changbin groans from beside him and sits up. felix pretends he's asleep. he wants to be asleep.

 

“why are you so _loud_ all the time?” changbin whines, but shakes felix's shoulder to wake him up all the same.

 

felix pretends the simple touch doesn't mean anything to him and makes a muffled noise of disapproval into his pillow.

 

“lix,” changbin is saying softly, and still shaking him. “c'mon, it's time to get up.”

 

the nickname doesn't mean anything, it doesn't mean anything. felix rolls over and looks at changbin through half lidded eyes. a mistake, on his part. the sun is glowing on his skin, turning it golden. he looks like an angel. felix finds himself staring, turns away when jisung coughs from the doorway. turns away when the tickle in his throat becomes too strong. he puts his face in the crook of his arm, and coughs lightly. a golden petal rests on white bed sheets.

 

felix sits up, his feet dangling over the side of the bed, hiding the petal in the palm of his hand. pretends he doesn't see changbin frown when he doesn't say good morning. gets up out of bed, and brushes past jisung to get to the bathroom. he drops the petal into the toilet. he waits. then he flushes, and turns on the sink to fake washing his hands.

 

he looks into the mirror, and felix doesn't recognize himself. his skin is pale, and there are dark bags under his eyes. his jawline is sharper than ever. he regrets.

 

after a moment of staring, he makes his way to the kitchen, where changbin is seated with the rest. when his hyung's eyes turn onto him, felix's heart, as well as something else, jumps into his throat. he coughs into his arm and smuggles two more petals into the kangaroo pocket of his hoodie. he gives changbin a smile that doesn't even try to meet his eyes.

 

woojin watches him worriedly, so felix sits down beside him and steals some of his bacon. the eldest's expression turns from concerned to soft, and he lets felix snuggle into his side.

 

he doesn't end up eating much. the flowers make his stomach feel full. instead, he pretends he can't feel changbin's eyes on him and dozes off. woojin wakes him up a not ten minutes later, telling him to get ready for practice. and felix, being the good dongsaeng that he is, waddles to his room to get changed. his eyes land on the rumpled bed sheets and his throat itches. it's a scratch that he can't reach. he holds back his cough, and pulls his hoodie off around his head.

 

his gaze settles on his bare skin, on the ribs that poke out, barely, from a month of not eating properly. his stomach is taut where his muscles used to be so defined. felix snaps himself out of his trance and pulls on a t-shirt and jacket.

 

he's tying his shoes when the door opens, and he looks up, expecting jisung. it's not jisung. it's changbin. felix swallows around the sudden lump in his throat and looks back down to his shoes, finishing up the knot. he hears changbin shift in the doorway.

 

“did i do something wrong?” he hears, and he feels so guilty. “did i make you uncomfortable this morning or something?”

 

there's an anxious tone to changbin's voice. felix forces himself to look up at his hyung and smile brightly.

 

“of course not hyung! i was just tired, i'm sorry i worried you!” he exclaims, standing up from where he was sitting on the bed. he watches changbin's expression settle into one of relief.

 

“oh, good.” his hyung sighs. “let's go, the others are waiting.”

 

he reaches out his hand for felix to grab and felix, not wanting to cause any more trouble, takes it. they sprint to the front door, laughing. felix's throat tickles.

 

***

 

“break!” chan calls, and felix immediately drops to the floor, knees smacking painfully against the polished wood. he gasps in lungful after lungful of air, only to feel like he's getting less every time. a hand appears in his peripheral vision, clutching a water bottle, and he takes it, gratefully.

 

after taking a few large gulps, he looks up and hands the water bottle back to its owner. who just so happens to be hyunjin. he smiles at his friend, who smiles back. it looks strained. felix wonders if he's upset hyunjin somehow. he slumps against the mirror and watches the room around him.

 

“you need to take better care of yourself.” hyunjin is murmuring in his ear. felix wonders worriedly if hyunjin knows. but he can't. hyunjin can't know, because felix is good at hiding things. so he shoves those thoughts away and smiles wearily up at hyunjin and hopes the concealer covers his eye bags.

 

“i know.” he says, exasperatedly, and moves to get up, only to have hyunjin hold him down by his shoulders and look him in the eye.

 

“i mean it.” he says, and felix gulps. he nods. he says,

 

“okay.” but he knows there's only so much he can do.

 

hyunjin moves away to sit next to changbin, taking his hand, and felix feels the irresistible need to cough. so he does. he hacks up his lungs into the sleeve of his hoodie and prays no one notices that he can't breathe.

 

when he opens his eyes, he realizes that no petals have fallen and he's relieved. until he's not. the petals are there, they're just stuck to his sleeve with blood.

 

felix swallows around the taste of iron and presses his arm against his side. he's lucky his hoodie is black. he sees the members looking at him, some worried, some curious, so he gives a little cough and looks up at them, smiling sheepishly.

 

“i think i might have a cold.”

 

woojin rushes up to him and fusses, holding his face in his hands, but felix's eyes are elsewhere. felix's eyes are on hyunjin rushing towards him, eyes wide. hyunjin mouthing, _him?_  felix sags in defeat.

 

hyunjin knows.

 

***

 

chan tells him to take the day off. hyunjin walks him home. it's a silent walk. felix doesn't make a move to talk. it's hyunjin who breaks the silence.

 

he huffs and shoves his hands into the pocket of his coat, breath fogging up the cold air.

 

“so, changbin, huh?”

 

felix doesn't say anything at first. he bites his lip, and then he nods.

 

“when?”

 

felix shrugs.

 

“i've always-” he starts, an itch building up in his throat. “always liked him, i guess. the petals didn't start until about a month ago.”

 

hyunjin stops. felix turns around.

 

“a,” hyunjin swallows. “a month?”

 

felix nods, resignedly.

 

his friend watches him, chewing on his lip.

 

“have you,” he stutters, whispering. “have you thought about the surgery?”

 

felix has. and he knows his answer. but still, he shrugs. still, he says, “it hasn't reached the point that i need it yet.”

 

but hyunjin is sharper than felix is. he points to felix's arm, where the petals have dried onto the sleeve, a mix of gold and rust.

 

“felix, that's blood.” hyunjin is shaking. “felix, you need to get the surgery.”

 

felix just shakes his head.

 

“this is the first time this has happened.” he tries. hyunjin doesn't look convinced, he looks determined. then, “i- i'll think about it.”

 

felix knows he won't, in the end. he's already thought about it plenty.

 

they get home, and hyunjin makes tea.

 

“for your throat,” he says, but they both know it won't help. felix drinks it anyways.

 

he dozes off on the couch in the living room, wrapped in a blanket hyunjin got for him. the taste of iron won't go away. and thoughts of iron lead him to thoughts of flowers, and thoughts of flowers lead him to thoughts of changbin. changbin, with his innocent eyes and his pure intentions, and his devotion to felix as only friends. felix feels his throat close up and suddenly he's scrambling off the couch and to the bathroom, but he doesn't make it to the toilet before he starts vomiting up blood.

 

there's a mix of petals somewhere in there, some flower heads as well. but mostly it's just red. mostly it's just blood. he crawls to the toilet, tears in his eyes and blood on his lips and then he's heaving again, and hyunjin is behind him, rubbing his back soothingly. it's never been this bad.

 

when he stops choking up flowers, felix gasps for air, and sobs, and shakes. he hears hyunjin open the cupboard where they keep the cleaning supplies and start cleaning up the mess on the tiles.

 

“‘m sorry.” he cries weakly. hyunjin stops cleaning to rub felix's shoulders, resting his head on the younger's back.

 

“don't apologize,” and he's crying too. “not for this.”

 

they cry together, and hyunjin cleans some more, before wiping the blood off of felix's face and gathering him into his arms. felix lets himself he carried to wherever hyunjin is taking him, which turns out to be his and jeongin's room. his friend sets him down in his own bed and felix is still crying because hyunjin is so _kind_.

 

hyunjin pulls the covers up and places a kiss on felix's hairline. felix falls asleep with tears still in his eyes.

 

***

 

a week later, and felix is still coughing up blood with his usual dose of flowers. only this time, it's worse. he's grown sickly and pale and the bags under his eyes are too dark to be covered up with makeup. not that he has any that matches his skin tone, either. he's fatigued and slow and slips into sleep at random points in the day, causing his hyungs worry. jeongin is blissfully unaware. felix feels awful lying to them.

 

it's a tuesday when he slips up again. they're back in the practice room, and felix can't breathe. changbin has his arm slung around him, holding him against his chest. hyunjin watches from the other side of the room with worry in his eyes, chewing his lip. felix is trying so hard not to cough right now, holding his breath, ignoring the tears welling up in his eyes and the intense pain shooting through his chest.

 

changbin shifts so that his chin is resting on felix's shoulder, and felix can't take it anymore. he pulls away, abruptly, standing up and making a mad dash down the hall, changbin's startled noise faint in his ears. he barely makes it into a stall, not having time to lock the door, already choking on petals and the iron tang of blood. he can feel an unbearable scratching at his throat and he's crying, he's crying again, because it's not fair and he's going to die at the end of all of this.

 

he hears the bathroom door open, and lifts his head wearily, sniffling.

 

“hyunjin?” he calls, voice wobbly. “is that you?”

 

there are footsteps coming towards him, quiet on the tile floor. he can hardly hear anything over his own ragged breathing and choked sobs.

 

“oh my god.”

 

the first thing that felix registers is that that voice certainly does _not_ belong to hyunjin. the second thing he registers is panic. he whips around, blood still dripping from his lips, eyes wide.

“no,” he starts, voice cracking. “no no no. please, you can't-”

 

chan stares back at him with pity in his eyes. felix closes his, huddled on the floor, and cries. chan kneels on the floor next to him and pulls him into his arms, cradling his limp body there. the door slams open shortly afterwards, followed by heavy breathing.

 

“felix!” that's hyunjin. felix feels himself relaxing despite himself, despite the tears still running down his face. “felix, i tried to stop him, i-”

 

“please,” felix cries weakly, and hyunjin comes into the stall. it's crowded, and there's blood in the toilet and on felix's lips, and flowers in his lungs.

 

hyunjin is quick to flush the toilet, to wipe his face with toilet paper. chan looks up at him in shock.

 

“how long?” he asks, and hyunjin bites his lip.

 

it's felix who speaks up.

 

“a month.” he says, voice hoarse. “a month and this week.”

 

chan's head jerks back.

 

“that's too long, you need the surgery,” he's talking fast now, too fast for felix to comprehend. chan always was a better rapper than him. “felix, you could die!”

 

felix just shakes his head, a pained smile on his lips.

 

“i can't.” he says. “i'd rather die than to lose all the love in my heart.”

 

hyunjin looks away while chan stares at him. felix knows he's crying.

 

“you-” chan says. “really?” there's something watery in his voice. felix looks up at him, that sad smile still on his lips.

 

“i'm sorry,” he says, and he means it. “i'm sorry, hyung, i know this was your dream.”

 

he shakes and sobs quietly in chan's arms.

 

“i know it was your dream for us to do this together, all nine of us.” his lungs contract painfully at the thought of them making it big, of having a perfect happy ever after. “i'm sorry. you'll just have to do it without me.”

 

chan shakes his head.

 

“no.” he mumbles. “no, no. you can make it. i'll talk to him, i'll make him see, i'll-”

 

“hyung.” felix smiles. “you can't make someone fall in love with you.”

 

he looks down at the tiles of the floor and his scuffed sneakers and his hands clutching loosely at chan's shirt.

 

“trust me.” he breathes. “i've tried.”

 

it's silent for a moment, aside from hyunjin's sniffling and the whirring of the vents. felix closes his eyes and his breathing slows.

 

“i'm tired,” he says, and falls asleep.

 

***

 

he wakes up in a taxi, on the way back to the dorms, hyunjin holding him tightly. he lets out a muffled groan at the strain in what little muscle he has left. hyunjin shifts and looks at him with worried eyes.

 

“how are you feeling?” he asks, and felix wets his lips with his tongue, eyes still squeezed shut.

 

“uhmm.” he mumbles. “i've been better.”

 

hyunjin runs a hand through felix's hair. felix sighs. sometimes, he wishes he could have fallen in love with hyunjin instead. it's all just wishful thinking, but he thinks maybe he would have had a better chance then.

 

“i'm tired.” he says, again. “i'm so tired, hyunjin.”

 

he would cry, if he could. but he's run out of tears at this point, all wasted on what ifs and little hopes put into his head by chan's desperate words. if only he could get changbin to love him. if only.

 

“what did you tell the others?” he asks, voice scratchy and hoarse. hyunjin remains stroking his hair.

 

“we said you were sick, threw up, and passed out.” it isn't exactly a lie. there's one thing felix is curious about, though.

 

“how did i get into the car?” he asks, blinking sleepily a couple of times. hyunjin looks at him with a fond gaze.

 

“i carried you.”

 

felix snorts.

 

“what?”

“what? you think i wouldn't?”

 

felix shakes his head and shoves halfheartedly at hyunjin's side.

 

“it's more of that i didn't think you could.” he snickers.

 

“hey! i might not be exactly as beefy as chan hyung, but i've still got muscle!”

 

felix giggles, pinching his fingers together, leaving only a tiny gap between them.

 

“yeah,” he says. “ _this_ much.”

 

“yah!” hyunjin shouts, scandalized. “i got you here, didn't i?”

 

felix pauses, thinking about it. he shrugs, but his eyes are still crinkled up into the little half crescents they become when he laughs. hyunjin hasn't seen them like that in a long time. then felix grins, a sly grin.

 

“admit it, you had chan hyung help me onto your back, didn't you?”

 

hyunjin gasps overdramatically.

 

“how could you say such a thing? to your _favorite_ hyung, of all people?” he's pushing the dramatics a little now, trying to keep felix smiling.

 

and felix does smile.

 

“who says you're my favorite?” the younger boy teases as the car slows to a stop at a traffic light.

 

there's an underlying feeling of sorrow underneath all this humor. they both know who felix's favorite hyung is. but hyunjin won't have it.

 

“me, obviously.” he says, and sticks his tongue out childishly. felix laughs hoarsely, cutting off into a ragged cough. Hyunjin watches on, a worried expression on his face. felix waves it away with a careless hand.

 

“i'm fine.” he says, a tired grin on his face. “just a sore throat.”

 

hyunjin knows it's more than that.

 

***

 

the car eventually pulls to a stop in the driveway of the dorms. hyunjin gets out first, and makes his way over to the side felix is on, opening the door for him and crouching down.

 

“get on.” he says, gesturing to his back. felix huffs.

 

“i can walk just fine.” he whines, unbuckling his seatbelt and stumbling out of the car. immediately, he falls over.

                                                                                                     

“i can walk just fine.” hyunjin mimics in a high pitched voice. felix pouts. he climbs onto hyunjin's back begrudgingly and holds on tightly.

 

“hold on.” hyunjin says, holding his legs and standing up. felix snorts.

 

“hold on.” he copies hyunjin with a nasally voice.

 

hyunjin struggles to stay upright.

 

“what good is holding on if you can't even stand up?!” felix screeches.

 

“my ears!!” hyunjin screeches back.

 

“sorry!!”

 

that starts a screaming match between the two of them, through bouts of screechy laughter. they make it to the door just fine, albeit a bit wobbly. it's then that they run into a few problems.

 

“so, uh.” felix says, deadpan. “how are we gonna open the door?”

 

needless to say, it's a pretty ridiculous sight to see hyunjin trying to open the door while holding felix up with one hand. or it would be, if felix wasn't fearing for his life right now.

 

“i'm gonna kick the door down!” hyunjin screams.

 

“don't you dare!”

 

hyunjin ends up leaning down while felix opens the door for him.

 

he hobbles inside unsteadily, turns around, and drops felix on the couch. felix lets out a quiet _oof_ that turns into a bout of hacking coughs, causing hyunjin to whip around and kneel down beside him.

 

“ _shit,”_ he says, and grips at felix's hands with his own, eyes darting around his friend's face. “did i- did i hurt you?”

 

felix, again, waves it off, smiling despite the red tinge of blood at the corner of his mouth and the itch in his lungs.

 

“i'm fine,” and he keeps saying that, until hyunjin can't take it anymore.

 

“you're not fine!” he yells, hands coming up to pull at his own hair anxiously. “you're not eating and you're coughing up blood and you're _dying,_ felix-”

 

felix is too quiet. he stares at hyunjin with a blank expression on his face.

 

“you- you're _dying,_ felix.” hyunjin's voice is watery and he doesn't know _why._ “you're dying and you're acting like it- like it doesn't _matter.”_

 

there's a broken sob. hyunjin realizes that it came from his own mouth.

 

“well it matters to me.” he chokes out, before he bursts into tears.

 

felix sits up, and despite hyunjin's efforts to push him away, pulls him into a hug.

 

“i'm sorry.” he whispers into hyunjin's hair. “i know it matters, i know you care, i'm sorry.”

 

hyunjin knows that felix isn't supposed to apologize, but he can't stop crying.

 

“i'm just trying-” felix starts, breaking off into a little cough. “i'm trying not to make everything about me. i want- i want you to be happy, you know? all of you.”

 

he swallows, adam's apple bobbing in his throat.

 

“and you can't do that if i'm- if i'm..” felix breaks off near the end.

 

hyunjin knows. he cries. felix doesn't. he's spent too much time crying over lost love, and lost life. he knows it's going to end soon.

 

they stay like that, on the couch, hyunjin crying, until the others come home. the door opens and someone is laughing and there's loud talking until it all stops.

 

felix looks up over where hyunjin's head is buried in the crook of his neck and meets everyone's startled eyes. chan looks resigned. he looks tired. felix did that to him.

 

he meets everyone's gaze, including- including changbin. when their eyes meet, his chest tightens and his lungs seize and he holds back the cough. changbin looks so confused. felix raises his eyes to the ceiling and smiles sadly.

 

he's glad changbin is clueless, doesn't know what he would do if he wasn't. he hopes things stay that way.

 

***

 

felix spends time with each of his members separately. the first one he spends time with is jeongin. his baby brother, his dongsaeng, the precious maknae of the group. felix feels bad for leaving him behind. all of them, really.

 

felix takes jeongin out to the arcade nearby, buys him as much tokens as he wants. jeongin is too happy to be suspicious. felix watches him run around the arcade like a child- which he is, really- with a fond smile on his face.

 

“so,” he says, around a mouthful of candy from the claw machine. “what's the occasion, hyung?”

 

felix smiles wearily, but it still shines like any other.

 

“we don't spend enough time together anymore.” he says, cheerfully, knocking jeongin's shoulder with his own, and grabbing the maknae's hand. “let's make today our day, alright?”

 

they play a racing game for 30 minutes straight. felix lets jeongin win every time.

 

they make it their day.

 

***

 

woojin is next. they go out to lunch at woojin's favorite diner, and order burgers and fries. woojin looks at felix suspiciously over the top of his chocolate milkshake.

 

“so. what do you want?”

 

felix has a curious look on his face.

 

“what do you mean, hyung?” he asks, voice hoarse, but still a picture of innocence.

 

woojin sticks a fry in his mouth and eyes felix carefully.

 

“you kids never treat anyone like this unless you want a favor.” he says. “so what is it? what do you want?”

 

felix smiles at him, and he feels so fond.

 

“nothing, hyung.” he murmurs, a soft smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “just this is enough.”

 

woojin still regards him with slight suspicion, but smiles at him nonetheless. felix smiles back, but he's tired. even so, he pushes through until they're sitting on the swings in a park on the way back to the dorms.

 

felix is slipping in and out of sleep, woojin's voice a pleasant hum in his ear.

 

“-lix. felix.”

 

felix jolts himself awake.

 

“uhh?” he mumbles, looking at woojin through heavy lidded eyes.

 

“you're falling asleep. do you want me to carry you home?” woojin sounds a little worried. felix smiles at him sleepily and stumbles off the ing onto wobbly feet.

 

“no, i can make it.”

 

woojin holds his hand the whole way home instead.

 

***

 

felix asks jisung to stay with him after dance practice so that he can help him with some moves.

 

“you're the one who should be helping me.” jisung laughs. felix grins at him tiredly.

 

“you say that, but we both know you're better than me at this point.”

 

jisung frowns at him.

 

“that's not fair. you've been sick.” he says poutily. “take that back. you're the best dancer i know.”

 

felix shoots him a sly grin.

 

“don't let minho hyung hear you say that.” he snickers.

 

jisung flushes beet red and pushes him over onto the floor.

 

“see if i help you now!” he screeches, diving down to tickle felix's sides mercilessly.

 

felix's eyes widen and he pushes jisung way.

 

“jisung-” he breaks off into a cackle, clutching at his sides and trying to curl into a ball. “jisung, stop, i'll-”

 

but jisung doesn't stop. he tickles felix with all that he's got until the boy is screeching with laughter. then it's over, and he's coughing, he's not laughing anymore.

 

jisung pulls away, looking concerned, as felix curls up, his lungs aching. he covers his mouth with his hand, but it's not fast enough to hide the first spots of blood that drip onto the floor.

 

“felix!” jisung gasps, coming forward to pull felix's hands away from his mouth. “are you-”

 

and he sees the petals. he sees the petals and the blood and jisung loses it. his hands drop to his sides, and felix is still coughing, but jisung doesn't care. he backs up a few steps, then turns, and runs out the door.

 

“jisu-” felix mumbles around a cough, choking on the blood and the flowers and his own broken words.

 

but jisung is gone, and felix is still here, on the floor, covered in red, red blood and yellow petals, close to blacking out.

 

and then he does.

 

***

 

he wakes up alone. he's still on the floor of the dance room, and he lays there for a second, in the dark. had no one come to look for him?

 

it's okay. felix doesn't mind.

 

(he does.)

 

he picks himself up and hates the stick and pull of his shirt and his skin, dried together with blood. he picks himself up, cleans up the mess on the floor, and makes his way home.

 

it's dark out when he leaves the building, and he wonders just how late it's gotten to be. he turns around the corner and runs into a breathless, sweaty hyunjin.

 

“felix.” hyunjin breathes shakily, and then takes in the mess on felix's white t-shirt. “oh my god.” he sounds close to tears.

 

felix smiles tiredly, and then he's dropping to his knees. hyunjin drops with him, catches him in his arms.

 

“hyunjin,” felix gasps. “hyunjin, not yet, can't.”

 

hyunjin grasps at felix's hands and runs his fingers through the boy's hair.

 

“hyunjin, the others, i didn't-” he shudders with cold and fatigue. “jisung, he found out, i-”

 

hyunjin grips him tightly, his eyes steely and cold.

 

“he what?!” hyunjin shouts in a whisper. “he found out, and he left you?!”

 

felix shudders again.

 

“i-” he tries. “i-”

 

but he can't make it past those words before coughing again. hyunjin lets go of his hands to reach into his back pocket for his phone.

 

“i'm calling chan.” he announces, and he does.

 

a car comes to pick them up in a few minutes, and felix is barely hanging on when he hears chan's voice.

 

“what happened?” he asks in a whisper, as hyunjin helps a fumbling felix into the car.

 

“jisung found out.” hyunjin seethes, settling next to felix in the back seat.

 

“and he ran away?”

 

the question goes unanswered. chan sighs, and starts the car.

 

when they get back home, jisung is waiting in the driveway. he runs to the car to help felix out, only for hyunjin to push him away.

 

“felix, i-”

 

“don't.” hyunjin growls. felix hangs onto him, half asleep. jisung's hands twitch at his sides and he reaches for felix again.

 

“i-i'm sorry, i panicked, i-” his voice is watery, pleading, but hyunjin isn't having any of it.

 

“enough!” he shouts.

 

“hyunjin.” chan sets a hand on the boy's shoulder, trying to calm him down.

 

“no!” the others have gathered outside now, all curious stares and worried glances.

 

“he could have died, and you just left him!” hyunjin yells. felix whimpers at his side.

 

jisung bursts into tears.

 

“i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to, i'm sorry.” he cries coming forward to bury his head in hyunjin's chest.

 

hyunjin pushes him away, only to have felix latch on. he holds onto jisung like he's his whole world.

 

“it's okay, ji, i forgive you.” he mumbles. jisung grips him tightly and sobs. felix blacks out again.

 

***

 

when felix wakes up, it's to the sound of hushed voices around him and the press of something warm to his side. everything is soft, and the morning light makes the insides of his eyelids shine gold. he shifts a little and buries his face into the blankets. and jerks away.

 

he knows who that smell belongs to without even opening his eyes. when they do open, his eyes, he's met with changbin staring worriedly down at him. his throat feels clogged and he turns away hurriedly, shoving his hand in front of his mouth as his body jerks with the force of his coughs.

 

the voices go quiet.

 

felix doesn't take his hand away. he looks at his bandmates and they look at him, and, and-

 

they're sad. their eyes are sad. it hits him then that they know, they must know. it's jeongin who speaks up.

 

“why didn't you tell us?” his voice is wobbly and his eyes are filling with tears. “was that what our day was for?”

 

felix trembles, hand still over his mouth, trapping the blood and the flowers there. the blankets are bunched around his waist. changbin shifts, looking between felix and the rest with a confused gaze.

 

“tell us what?” he asks, and felix shakes harder, a tear slipping from his eye before he can stop it. oh. he hasn't cried for a while.

 

“felix?” changbin asks, placing a hand on his shoulder. “what are they talking about? why are you covering your-”

 

felix cuts him off with more coughing, a grotesque scraping noise from the back of his throat. the blood seeps through his fingers and onto the blanket.

 

“oh my god.” changbin whispers in horror. “you- you're bleeding, we need to get you to the hospital-”

 

felix shakes his head, and pulls his hand away. the flowers are sticky with red, and they cling to his skin while he looks changbin in the eyes.

 

“oh my god.” changbin says again. “you- really? who is it?”

 

felix smiles sadly at him. it's like they're the only people there, in that room. nothing can come between them. except for the bitter tang of blood and the gut wrenching feeling of unrequited love.

 

“is it-” changbin starts, swallows. “is it me?”

 

another smile. felix watches as changbin's eyes fill with tears.

 

“god,” he cries, and buries his face in his hands. the others file out of the room, one by one, til it's just felix, and changbin, and hyunjin.

 

“i'm sorry,” changbin sobs into his fingers, doesn't look at felix. felix sighs, softly. “i'm sorry, felix, i- i didn't know!”

 

felix brings his hand up to rest on changbin's shoulder. he can feel his lungs swelling with flowers and near to god chokes on his next breath. changbin looks up at him, tears falling down his face.

 

it's not like music, not like in the movies. there's no rhythm to the tears and sniffles and there's no happy ending. there's just the blood and the chrysanthemums and the truth of the matter.

 

“it's okay.” felix says, and smiles, the blood drying on his lips. “it's okay, hyung.”

 

changbin hiccups.

 

“it's not-” he cries. “it's not, god, i'm so sorry.”

 

then he freezes and looks up with felix with the tiniest spark of hope in his eyes.

 

“there's still a way.” he says, voice wobbly. “the surgery, you can get the surgery, you-”

 

felix cuts him off with a shake of his head. changbin looks at him, face crumpling.

 

“why-” he asks, sobs again. “why? you can get better, it'll be okay, just- the surgery, lix, the surgery.”

 

felix holds changbin's hands in his own and pretends he can't hear hyunjin crying beside him and gives a shuddering sigh.

 

“i don't ever want to stop loving you, hyung.” he says, softly, a fond smile on his face. changbin sniffles. “i don't ever want to give up this feeling.”

 

“felix,” changbin cries. “you- you'll _die.”_

 

felix nods.

 

“i will.”

 

changbin shakes beside him, shakes his head and the tears come out again.

 

“no, no. i can love you. i'll love you, i will-”

 

felix chuckles hoarsely, stroking circles over changbin's hand with his thumb.

 

“you can't.” he says, and changbin sobs. “you can't make yourself love me. it wouldn't work.”

 

changbin throws himself forward and into felix's arms.

 

“i don't want you to go.” he cries. “i love you, i love you.”

 

felix holds him, and he's smiling, but his lungs are full of flowers, blooming, and blood.

 

“but not like that.” he says softly. “it's okay. don't punish yourself for this, hyung.”

 

changbin is shaking, crying, and felix feels bad for ever wishing he wasn't in love with the other boy. he wouldn't give up this feeling for the world. it settles deep inside him then, the realization that he can never stop loving changbin, even if he tries. every single thing changbin has ever said to him, done to him, the kiss, the cuddles, the apologies, all of it. it's all led up to this.

 

“i love you.” changbin cries again. and he does. but felix knows, felix knows it could never be the same.

 

“i know.” felix murmurs. “i know you do.”

 

hyunjin is crying, too, sniffles and sobs muffled into the palms of his hands. felix lets his head fall back and sighs shakily. changbin's face presses into the junction of his neck and shoulder, makes his shirt wet with tears. it's the closest they've been in weeks.

 

he can feel it, all the flowers he's been holding back, all of it building in his chest. he shudders, shakes, and says,

 

“hyung,”

 

both changbin and hyunjin lift their heads to look at him. changbin's lip trembles and the tears still streak across his cheeks. his nose is red and his face is blotchy and _god-_ felix thinks he's never been more beautiful than this.

 

“i love you, hyung.” he says, and it's the first time he's said it, ever. “seo changbin, i love you.”

 

changbin's face crumples and he cradles felix's face in his hands, and he kisses him. fiercely, at first, then frantically, when he realizes nothing is happening.

 

“it's not-” he chokes out between kisses. “it's not _working,_ why can't i-”

 

felix pushes him away, gently, looks changbin in his wide, tear-filled eyes.

 

“why can't i _love_ you?”

 

felix coughs, then. it's long and drawn out and there's blood on his hands and hyunjin's at his side-

 

flowers fall. yellow for chrysanthemums, yellow for unrequited love. felix falls, too.

 

he can only see changbin, doesn't know when he stopped holding the older boy and began being held himself. but he stares up at him. at the stars held in his eyes, at the pretty lips and the button nose he's fallen for god knows how many times.

 

“hyung,” he whispers, eyelashes fluttering.

 

changbin chokes on a sob.

 

“hyung, i love you.”

 

tears drip from changbin's chin onto his neck. he hears muffled crying from outside the room. he knows it's time.

 

“i-” changbin says. “i lo-” but he can't get the words out, fully, just holds felix and cries.

 

felix looks at him, and he's tired, and he's ready, and he smiles.

 

“it's time, hyung.”

 

changbin grips him close, and cries, and shakes his head.

 

“no,” he sobs. “nonono, not now, please. don't leave me, i can love you, i can, i'll love you, just- don't leave, _please.”_

 

felix closes his eyes and smiles.

 

“kiss me again?” he breathes. changbin does. it tastes like tears, and it tastes like blood, and it tastes like flowers. it tastes like all the love felix could have had, and doesn't.

 

changbin pulls away, and felix's heart thrums slowly in his chest. he sighs, softly.

 

“goodbye, changbin.”

 

and felix lee drowns in all the love he's lost.

**Author's Note:**

> ... wow  
> ngl? i cried while writing this fic. only near the end, but i still cried. that's the first time that's ever happened to me tbh. 
> 
> n e ways
> 
> i hope you guys liked it. 
> 
> my twitter is @zinniachild and my tumblr is gay-but-woah 
> 
> come scream at me, i enjoy it


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